Has it been a while. 

Well I mostly just come on here to vent or to let me feelings out. Because rather then keeping them bundled up, it always make it better when you write them somewhere, anywhere. 

So Its been 6 months of Jake and I dating, and about 9 ish of us seeing eachother, I’m not quite sure. 

Well anyways, I love him to pieces. I feel so comfortable around him, I really can’t imagine my life without him, present, or future. 

Time spent with him is the best. And I couldn’t be happier these past months. He has changed me for the better. 

Although my parents freak out when i’m a few minutes past curfew. And the other night I had a breakdown. I wrote my parents a letter and I told them how a year ago I was in the most depressed state that I have ever been in. How I went to bed crying every night and I lost about 20 pounds because I was so obsessed with my weight. Although I went from 136 to 118.. After I confessed that, they seemed to be more cautious around me.. 

Well, Jake is so great to me. Absolutely wonderful. Although he does love me amounts which can’t even be put into words, and I love him even more than that. I feel like he doesn’t show me the attention that I want, the affection of feeling loved. Not to be taken the wrong way, because 9/10ths of the time he treats me like gold. There are times though, when I feel like he doesn’t try, or realize. When he gets in fights with his mom, I try hugging and comforting him and he just pushes me away. When he gets in bad moods he puts it all on me. Once again, I know he loves me! Also, he always points out my little blemishes making me feel bad about myself. Like the little pimples on my face which I get rarely, or the fact that I have a small “muffin top” or after I eat and I say i’m full he always jokes and says that I’m so fat. Or the fact that  you have body hair everywhere and he says stuff about having hair on my back, or on my face. It just makes me feel like i’m not worthy of him or something. Or I sent him a picture and he compared me to this gorgeous girl who he told me was gorgeous and he comments on her stuff. But he was just like “Oh you want to be like Ana now? :*” it just gets to me. Or when I see him even having a normal conversation with a girl. Because then I say two words and he has to step in. 

I guess I would just like that extra step of romance. Such as a nice good morning text once in a while. Or a single rose when he picks me up. Or cute tiny gestures. Nothing major at all. Just something to make me feel like he thinks about me. I feel like I just try so hard all the time. 

He is soooooooo amazing though, and I love him to pieces, and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But i’m just having a bad day and these things get to me I guess when i’m just sitting around. 

It doesn’t help when your BC makes you have your menstrul cycle for a whole month. I’m literally dying.

Anyways, I’m doing pretty well in school, it’s so difficult though! I’m trying so hard so that I can get into my school of choice.

I got fired for absolutely NO REASON, seriously NO REASON. And I loved my job so much. Whatever. I’m over it. 

Well, now i’m getting tired. And none of this will matter in a few months when I read it over, just like all the other posts.

My love, Jacob. 

We’ve been together for about 5 months now. Dating for 3. I can’t remember the last time i’ve been this genuinely happy. I love you to pieces. You make everything disappear when you’re here. When you touch me I still get butterflies. You’re my first love, first kiss, well, my first everything. I just want to let you know, you’re my favorite. I love you more than anything. And I’ve come so far just to get ahold of you. 

—-

A couple weeks ago I went on vacation with Jake and his family. It was so much fun, and I feel so comfortable with all of them. It made my summer so much better. It was a great experience. We stayed right on a beach house. It was beautiful. 

Last week he was telling me about two other girls that he has “hooked up” with. One of which they hung out twice, the other one he really really liked and she was a bitch. He went off about how he couldn’t stand her at all anymore. Then he started talking about me. And how he had never felt this way towards someone before, and how he would stay awake at night. Long story short, he said that he talked to his really really good friend. And they came to the conclusion that he loved me. His exact words: “Well, I, I think I really do love you Morgan”

I honestly thought it was the cutest thing, my stomach dropped and of course I responded with “I think I love you too”. 

But sometimes, I just get depressed and upset. I don’t know why. I just do. 

Sky texted me today, and that could be why. I miss him. A lot. Although I never say it. Ugh.

Well, I love Jake, I love love loveee him. But I miss my bestfriend. 

Love is more than a word.

It’s more than a feeling of being complete, and full.

At times it feels as though you are drowning. 

At times it feels as though you are going to explode with, well, love.

And at times it feels as though you could just break into a million and one pieces. 

Just shatter about the surface around you. 

It’s overwhelming to only think about just the present, when the future happens in just the next second, and the past is less then .000009 seconds behind you. 

The fact that you don’t know how the whole thing will end is a depressing feeling. Why over think it? 

Over thinking kills the brain, the mind, the heart, and the soul. 

One breath at a time. 

Live in the now, love in the now, think in the now, and act for the now. 

Because you could easily regret that .000009 behind you. 

Or not want to see what’s in front of you. 

When you, you have something worth loving and living for. 

I feel like I haven’t updated this in forever, ever. 

Well, Skylar hates me, a lot. 

I think we are getting a little better though. Eh. 

Jake and I have been official for a month and a half.

And it’s honestly been the best. 

I’ve been so fucking happy since I started talking to him. 

Of course I have my moments, but in all, he is great.

He is the absolute sweetest, and adorable. 

Whenever i’m alone, or even with my friends, I have a million and one thoughts rushing through my head. All the time. 

But then, when i’m with him, they’re gone. Like I have never had a worry, or sad feeling. It’s the weirdest, best feeling ever. 

School is over in 8 days, then it’s Summer. How weird. So weird. 

I’m half way done with High school, holy shit. I’m going to get my license in less than 2 months, and I’m going to be a junior. Whoa.

Last night Jake and I were driving around holding hands, talking, and listening to City and Colour. 

We got back to his house at like 11:30 and he shut the car off. City and Colour was still playing, but everything around us was pitch black. He kissed me, which turned into multiple kisses. I had the most butterflies possible. I touched his face/neck as Dallas Green sang to us in the background. We continued kissing as he touched my cheek. It was hands down one of the best moments. I honestly will remember that for a long time. I’m not sure why, but I had the best feeling through that whole thing. Maybe it was true undying happiness, or just life, I will never know. After Jake told me he got goosebumps when I touched his neck. I don’t know why, but that was such a great moment for both of us. It was just, perfect. 

He is just, perfect.

I decided i’m going to live for now, and not the past.